Publisher at The American Bystander
is Blogmom of Hey Dullblog. His novels and parodies have sold 1.25 million copies in 25 languages. He lives in Santa Monica, CA, and runs The American Bystander all-star print humor magazine.
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“Pencil, Mal — “
I was recently in the hospital with my first kidney stone (not recommended). I left the experience knowing two new things about myself. One, I can survive the most intense pain the male body can dish out. And two, no matter how bad it gets, I still keep a sense of humor.
After eight hours of agony, the nurse decided to “get on top of this pain” by giving me a bunch of morphine. My wife Kate was standing next to me as he put a port into my right hand, loaded the ampule, and pressed it into my vein. After he was done, I just laid there for a moment.
“You okay, sweetheart?” Kate asked.
I motioned that she should lean down. Closer, closer.
“Yes, Mike? What is it?”
“Kate,” I whispered, “there are seven levels.”
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HA Ha ha I envy the people with the power of humor…
….and the 8th one is freedom from kidney stones. 🙂
Glad you’re on the mend, Mike.
Thanks, @Karen! I am drinking a LOT of water.
My uncle revealed to me afterwards that he has had 14 of them. That’s not a medical condition, that’s a part-time job.
Yep–water is your friend. 🙂 And 14 kidney stones….yikes.
Good Lord! I hope you left the stone at the hospital. Did they give you any dietary advice, besides increased water consumption? I’ve never passed a stone but now it is on my hypochondriac’s list of worries.
I’ve always suspected I’ll whisper the witticism of all witticisms during my final illness, but the paraprofessional on duty will either lack a sense of humor or not get the reference.
No, I passed it after going home, @Sam. But we caught it and it’s being analyzed so whatever wisdom exists in its excruciating 3mm self, can be gleaned.
It’s icky, avoid it if you can. 🙂
I’ve passed three of them. (Cue Ralph Kramden noises: “OooohAHHHooooo!”) A woman from an insurance company once was taking my medical history, and, on learning I had had stones, asked if I had needed surgery. No, I said, I passed them. “Oh!” she said cheerfully, “so you know what it’s like to give birth!”
I remember the story about Rodney Dangerfield’s last heart surgery. When asked how long he would be hospitalized he said: “If all goes well, about a week. If not, about an hour and a half.”
(side note: I missed the second kickstarter. I’m hoping in a few months, once we’re out of our current financial imbroglio, to order several copies.)
that is so funny!
@Sam, I’m running an afterparty for people who missed the Kickstarter. It’s here —
https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/the-american-bystander-2-after-party/x/593624#/
But don’t stress if money’s tight.
Paul simply refuses to slow down:
http://www.arktimes.com/ArkansasBlog/archives/2016/05/01/paul-mccartney-entertains-at-verizon-arena
He met up with two of the Little Rock Nine who inspired “Blackbird” and look at that set list!