Publisher at The American Bystander
is Blogmom of Hey Dullblog. His novels and parodies have sold 1.25 million copies in 25 languages. He lives in Santa Monica, CA, and runs The American Bystander all-star print humor magazine.
Latest posts by Michael Gerber (see all)
- From Faith Current: “The Sacred Ordinary: St. Peter’s Church Hall” - May 1, 2023
- A brief (?) hiatus - April 22, 2023
- Something Happened - March 6, 2023
Right next to today’s news of the Queen Elizabeth II’s passing, there appeared in my Twitter feed this photo of John in 1967, dressed in togs from “I Was Lord Kitchener’s Valet” or some such.
Which made me think: what would’ve happened if, through some terrible mix-up or unforgivable governmental chicanery, John Lennon had been crowed King of England in 1967? I’ll start you off…
- Compulsory LSD to all UK schoolchildren
- National Anthem now “A Whiter Shade of Pale”
- All governmental vehicles, phone booths and postboxes painted by “The Fool”
- “Alex Mardas is running the nuclear programme, and anybody who squawks is going in the Tower!”
Put your guesses in the comments. And in the words of Peter Cook, “God bless the Queen, and all who sail in Her.”
Related posts:
George & Ringo: The Brothers Fab
John Lennon’s Self-Portrait
Here comes the sun
Bert Parks Sings “Let ‘Em In”
A John and Yoko movie?
The Beatles and Forrest Gump
More Beatle Cars!
Like the new Comments?
What are we doing here, anyway?
Off to the Fest for Beatles Fans! And a nugget…
McCartney Opens Sacramento Stadium with a Bang
"Dear Boy"
If Lennon had been king, we’d have seen a LOT of press conferences conducted from His Majesty’s bed.
Meanwhile, I have “Her Majesty” stuck in my head. I like to think that QE II might have enjoyed some private giggles over that “hidden” tune on “Abbey Road.”
I’ve been listening to that off and on all day!
I really like that picture of John.
I’m sad on the passing of the Queen. It is the end of an era.
One things for sure – there would have been great parties at the Palace if John had been King!
Of course a mere ten years later the Sex Pistols would have found themselves in a quandary if they should sing God Save The King and compare Lennon’s monarchy with that of a fascist regime as they did in their 1977 hit.
Then, of course, there is the question if Lennon as King had recorded Imagine if the Sex Pistols would have still used the line “there is no future in England’s dreaming.”
I wonder what his regnal name would have been had he ascended to the throne. John has not been used since 1216…and for perfectly understandable reasons.
Regnal name: King Winston O’Boogie the First.
He would always have been chewing gum during speeches.
Carnaby Street uniforms for Palace Guards.
Bhagavad Gita replaces Bible in schools.
Under those circumstances he would not have send back his MBE in ’69 to… himself. 😀
He would not have sing “I don’t believe in kings”… or maybe yes. 😀
1968: King John appears naked on the balcony of Buckingham Palace with his Asian bride to announce that he is in fact The Second Coming. The King’s first wife is beheaded in The Tower and his first born flees the realm.
1969: The King is widely criticized for introducing heroin to school lunches. Various Hare Krishnas and members of Badfinger are uniformly castrated and take up eunuch positions in the palace.
1970: King John undertakes extensive therapy, and also murders his father.
1971: Sir Paul is imprisoned for life in The Tower on orders of King John.
1972: King John agrees to participate in Sir George’s Concert for Bangladesh, but only after the other participants are brutally slaughtered and his wife is made the sole act. Proceeds of the charity event go towards recapturing the Queen’s estranged daughter Kyoko, and downgrading sanitary conditions in The Tower so as to increase Sir Paul’s extended suffering.
1973/74: The King decides to marry his mistress and orders the execution of his current wife who, however, evades The King and flees to The New World.
1975: King John dispatches the knights of his realm on an Arthurian quest to locate The Spear of Destiny. After strangling his third wife in a hot tub, he goes to the dentist and decides to remarry his second wife.
Any comment that mentions the spear of Longinus is an automatic approve 🙂
Also 1972: After a week spent hosting The Sooty Show, King John and his queen declare a uniform amnesty for all the prisoners of the world, except for Sir Paul, who remains locked in the tower. ‘Free the People (Except Paul)’ is a minor hit in North Wales that Spring. They also release a double record concept album about bees, produced by Phil Spector, that fairs poorly on the charts, forcing the King to return his own honors to himself in protest.
Ah, c’mon Matt. You don’t think John would have let Paulie out? Remember their watching SNL together? And the visits Paul and Linda had with John and May Pang?
King John wouldn’t have been THAT heartless. 😉
@Tasmin Well, he probably would have let him out, then put him back in again, then out, then in again, etc, depending on the day of the week, how many drugs he was taking, how business was going at Apple, what the astrologers recommended, and the whims and paranoia of The Queen.
Haha! I agree! Especially the last sentence.
Wait, are we talking about a King John with all the powers of a king, or a ceremonial King John who waves at crowds and smiles at foreign dignitaries?
An Absolute Power King John might have ordered the beheading of Tommy Roe and Chris Montez. He might have decreed that rock stars pay no income tax. Accelerated decolonization. Made Queen Yoko’s “Grapefruit” required reading for every British schoolchild.
John always talked about “fat kings” in interviews, kings who were kept drugged, confused and isolated while courtiers ran amok through the castle. He had Elvis in mind but it seemed to be the fate he dreaded the most.
Maybe that’s why he was so skinny and in a recording studio in 1980. Vigorous activity to ward off a bad future. Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.
@Baboomska It probably goes without saying, but ‘drugged, confused and isolated while courtiers ran amok through the castle,’ is John and his life down pat from 1975 onward. I wonder if he really could not see the irony, or whether it was the depressing self-knowledge that prompted him to observe the fact in other people.
The other Beatles would be granted high-ranking jobs. John would make Paul his equivalent of Tommy Lascelles. John would also abolish the monarchy, but only after his Aunt Mimi had died. She’d never forgive him for that otherwise! And he’d legalize all drugs.
BTW, I found this blog about a couple of months ago. How have I not known about this before? It’s fantastic! The amount of Beatle knowledge on here is amazing, and it’s rare to find a place where the commenters are nearly always respectful of each other, even when they disagree. How delightful!
Thanks, @Stephanie! Glad you’re enjoying it. We have a best of post that is a good guide to digging through the archives, which I would encourage you to do!
Hi y’all. Just to let you know I Pm’ed you at your Facebook page about a very interesting article about the meeting of John Lennon and Curt Claudio (sadly he passed in 1981 in a lightweight plane crash). The link is over there at FB.
Best
I’ll check it out, Cristian! Thank you —
You’re welcome Michael! Sorry for having gone off topic here. Oh well, if John the Lennon had been crowned king, most probably we would all be cockroaches by now, that’s not too bad.
Chronicles of King John Winsome O’no Oboogie Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine the First
1974 The King legalizes all drugs by Royal Decree.
1975 After telling the general public to “F&ck off” in his December 1974 Christmas Address, the King retreats from public life, spending his time watching television, anticipating the birth of Prince Sean, and meticulously recording his dreams, diet, bowel movements, and masturbation in his Royal Diary.
1976 By Royal Decree, the King ends the “summer repeat” season on television, prompting a swift decline in the quality of British television. “Are You Being Served?” actually improves, though. When a guard smuggles a recording of the imprisoned Sir Paul performing his composition “Silly Love Songs” and it becomes a #1 single, the King has Sir Paul transferred to Bedlam Mental Hospital because “he’s gone crackers.” Goerge Harrison is exiled to Friar Park for unintentional plagiarism. When someone finally tells him that he can’t leave Henley-on-Thames without forfeiting his life, he surprised because he has just returned from his 14th visit to Hawaii.
1977 The King records demos of a song called “Serve Meself,” but does not finish it. Late in the year, with Sir Paul’s “Silly Love Songs” stuck in his head, he checks himself into Bedlam Hospital. Buys a Japanese electronics firm. The King legalizes all drugs by Royal Decree because he forgot the other times he legalized drugs by Royal Decree. The Queen is photographed at Studio 54 sitting alone at a table.
1978 No longer able tolerate Sir Paul’s irritating cheerfulness, the King leaves Bedlam hospital and allows the release of “London Town” because it’s so awful it will end McCartney’s career forever. McCartney is exiled to Scotland. The King moves to Japan. The Queen has a pyramid moved to Connecticut, paints it white, and surrounds it with expensive dairy cows. The King legalizes all drugs by Royal Decree before knighting The Little River Band.
1979 From their fortified bunker in Tokyo, the King and Queen issue a statement “To People Who Ask Questions.” It reads as follows: The birds are in the air, the bees are in the garden, and you can all f&ck off.” Heroin legalized (again). The King shows up for Eric Clapton’s wedding, but no one recognizes him, even when he claims to be “Peter Frampton’s plus one.”
The exiled Sir Paul begins writing the worst song in the world to psychically murder the King. When “Wonderful Christmastime” is released, his evil plan makes him the most despised musical villain in history. On hearing the song, the King loses 40 lbs in one epic defecation. He and the Queen release a video of this event, and most people prefer it to McCartney’s song. The legend of Mr. Hanky, the Christmas poo, is born.
Margaret Thatcher travels to Buckingham Palace to present her credentials and disappears for 12 years. When found, she is in an isolation tank enjoying an LSD/MDMA cocktail and celebrating the death of her ego.
1980-In the absence of Margaret Thatcher, Britain enjoys a golden age of pragmatic, humane politics and regains its stature around the world. In solidarity with the IRA, King John fasts (except for coffee, brown rice, fish, and the odd doughnut) and joins the Blanket Protest. His Dirty Protest is not taken seriously when it is revealed that his lackeys and hangers-on are swabbing his halls with melted Cadbury eggs. When rumors of something called “the frog chorus,” another sonic insult from the Evil Sir Paul reach the palace, the Queen sends the King on an Eastward journey that somehow places him in Las Vegas. He is occasionally wheeled on stage to croak “She Loves You” during the Ipana Toothpaste Hour.
2022 American historians and pollsters agree: “If it weren’t for Ringo, no one would have liked the Beatles. He is still our favorite,”
Very solid, though I will never not love “Wonderful Christmastime.” 🙂